Someone recently asked me to share my faith journey. It is a personal question - like asking to read someone's diary. But, I am compelled to share, so the blog is a great place to start getting it on 'paper'. Like a journal, there are so many parts of a testimony of faith. Some things may not be of interest, some parts might even offend, and some parts may touch the heart of the listener. The main focus of a testimony is to show how God works in and through circumstances to reveal Himself to one seeking after Him. May this journey of God's faithfulness bring Him glory and give you hope.
I grew up in a Catholic household across the street from my church and school, Mary Seat of Wisdom. On Sundays, my mom would go to early service so that she could get a jump on the day before we all awoke. My dad read Liturgy every Sunday at the 2nd mass that me and my 3 sisters attended. We had spaghetti and meatballs when we got home. So going to church was good. And it was always open as a place of refuge. We were taught to love Jesus, fear God and worship Mary because she was the go-to lady. The Holy Ghost was an idea that scared me - anything having to do with ghosts just seemed spooky.
In high school there was not much time for church anymore. Though I had an ongoing dialogue with God, my schedule was filled with activities of working two jobs, playing sports, and studying. Dad and Mom still went but did not impose on me to make it a priority. I soon went to college and became a Chreaster - Christmas and Easter church goer. I dated and married right out of college, divorced three years later and remarried again. My new husband was a Buddhist.
We had two daughters and now life was good. But we wanted to make sure to expose them to both religious backgrounds. They were caught in the middle of our mixed marriage of faith. Our politically correct version of religion left some gaping holes and confusion. We both believed in a God but did we worship at the cross or at a statue of Buddha? Did we burn incense to Mary or Buddha? Why would a Buddhist celebrate Easter or Christmas? Buddha has a birthday, but so does Jesus. Which prayer is best? Hail Mary, Our Father or Dharma chanting? After going to various churches and temples, trying on each like a bad suit, none of them fit. The fundamentals of our faiths were not going to blend.
We decided to take our little tribe of worship to the outdoors. Every week at the beach over-looking the water we gave thanks to both God and Buddha for all we had received. We called it Beach Church. We truly had a heart of thanks and wanted to make sure to give "Whomever" the glory.
In April 2001, my 4th grade daughter's class asked the question, "If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring?" She consulted with me and mentioned that others were bringing bibles and religious artifacts. I was in a New Age phase of life. Putting crystals in various places in the house to achieve the best 'chi' energy, adding Buddha statues to water fountains placed in auspicious locations, crosses on the walls, green living plants in the east corner of our home; she opted to bring a Buddha statue to class that day.
A few days later a woman who helped in the 4th grade came up to me with boldness and said, "You need to take a bible study!" She was a petite lady from Brazil, dressed beautifully, with a deep Portuguese accent and dark brown eyes. I was immediately offended by her directness. Who was this woman to tell me with such confidence that I needed to take a bible study? Reading the bible was not on the top of my list but I did have one on my nightstand. Various attempts were made to read it. So what that a veil of fog would consistently roll over my brain after two paragraphs. It really was another artifact of religion - like a lucky charm to have in the house. So, I responded to the woman with a curt thanks and lied that I did read the bible. She wouldn't stop. She dogged me with kindness whenever our paths crossed. It was too much to bear, so I started avoiding the woman from Brazil.
The 4th grade was taking a field trip to the prairie and since I was a lover of the land and children, I volunteered. To my surprise, the perfectly coiffed Brazilian was there...standing in the mud with gorgeous shoes. I had brought tons of plastic shopping bags for the children who did not have mud boots. I was covering feet in bags and said to this lady, "Let me cover your feet." She laughed and said, "Thank you." She talked endlessly about Jesus. By the end of the day, I agreed to go with her to a bible study. Not because I wanted to, but because I was worn out from politely saying no.
The bible study consisted of 15 women sitting in the back of a room at a book store. We got there uncomfortably late and they were discussing the Parable of the Workers. Without retelling the whole story, it addresses a landowner who hired men to work in his vineyard. Jesus is telling the parable to his listeners and the understanding is that God is the Landowner. The hiring happened at different times of the day. Workers who were first hired for the job agreed to a wage, and workers who came later were given the same wage. At the end of the day, all workers were paid the same wage. The workers who came first to the job were grumbling against the landowner because he treated the latecomers equally. Jesus said that the worker agreed about wages before the labor commenced and that the first workers were not in the right frame of mind for what they were freely given - an opportunity to work and get paid! The women had a long discussion about their opinions on the text and their sympathy with the workers who started early. I just thought it was cool that God gave them a job! Who would complain about that!
It was a perfect story for one new to reading the bible. Since we came late to the study, the facilitator thought it a great illustration for the seasoned women of faith who came that day to the study early and were a bit frustrated by our lateness. Ouch! The facilitator then referenced how faithful Christians can often lose sight of the grace of God. The parable speaks especially to those who feel superior because of heritage or favored position, or to those who feel superior because they have spent so much time with Christ, and even to new believers as reassuring of God's grace to them - no matter when they come to faith (or what time they finally make it to their first bible study!)
I left uninterested in studying much further. I liked my relationship with God and I had a healthy respect for Him as well as for Jesus. Grappling with the text of an old document and getting frustrated with the words was not my idea of reverence, faith or religion. Though the idea of studying the bible seemed intriguing, the extra discussion of lay people seemed irrelevant.
My new friend convinced me to take another study with a woman who taught the basics of the bible. She was grounded in the facts. She showed us how in the beginning God promised a Messiah to restore mankind from it's sinful path. That we needed to recognize our personal need for a Savior because on our own there is nothing good enough in us to warrant getting into Heaven if God is Holy and Just. That Jesus was with God in the beginning when God said 'Let us make man in our image,' and he came and lived a sinless life, went to the cross, died for the sin of man and rose on the third day in fulfillment of the scriptures (please read Psalm 22 and Isaiah 53). The teaching was rich and effective, putting a desire to learn more into my heart. But old patterns don't die easily and like high school, other things came up and I chose not to make it a huge priority.
Then September 11, 2001 jarred me into reality. Life as it appeared for us came crashing down into a pile of dust. My husband and I worked in the financial markets, me on the computer and he on the trading floor. Everything stopped that day. We were safe in Chicago, but we had friends in New York City and we hadn't heard from any of them. I felt the rise of panic and anxiety wash over me like a flood. We went to pick up our daughters that day from school and most people I associated with were in the same state of inner turmoil. Around midnight we had heard from our friends that they were safe. But I went into a downward spiral of despair. Everything in my world seemed fake. My marriage, my lifestyle, my security in life all suddenly looked ready to fall apart. I felt on edge and very agitated.
For the next few months I found myself going to church more. On Easter Sunday 2002, I remember saying a very strong prayer to God. It was one like I never prayed. Instead of prayers of thankfulness to God, this time I was making a deal with God. "Lord, I am so tired of all this. I feel like I am sinking. If I go up for Communion with you, my family is left behind because they are not Catholic. I want us to be one in this. Planes are flying into buildings. Religious leaders are having issues with purity. Divorces are rampant in the church. I've been divorced! What is the Truth, Lord? Show me where to find it. As of today I am not doing this anymore until you show me." I sat down instead of going up and my family looked at me with questions all over their faces. A sense of fear came over me because I knew that my talk with God was REAL. I just didn't realize that He really heard me.
On September 11, 2002 I saw an interview on Larry King Live with Lisa Beamer whose husband died on Flight 93. It was the one year anniversary of Todd Beamer's death and he was known for his courage as one of the men who tried to take out the terrorists flying the plane that eventually crashed into a field instead of a building. His infamous words, "Let's roll" were a symbol of great strength to me. Larry asked Lisa how she was coping on the anniversary of the death of her husband and on becoming a role model to others in time of grieving. In listening and watching her, she had such admirable and great faith in God. I wanted faith like that. The words of impact were,
"It's not so much about my strength or even my faith, but where I get my resolve and ability to take another step each day. It is from the God that I know, the God who loves me, the God who is in charge of my little life and the events of the world as a whole. And just knowing that He loves me and is all powerful are the two things that I need to know to trust Him and take the next step with Him. If people can draw strength and hope from that I am honored and blessed to be a part of that."
In the meantime my old friend returned to invite me to a new study that met on a Tuesdays. She was so persistent! It hadn't dawned on me that her persistence was an act of faithfulness to a God she adored. I told her no because it was during my Yoga class. She looked at me and said, 'You have time for Yoga but not for God?!" That comment went straight to my heart and yet the same pride rose up again! It was a battle inside of my being between being proud of my own understanding of God and the opportunity to actually learn something I might not know. But, before I could retaliate with an equally sharp comeback, I was reminded somewhere deep in my inner being, "Didn't you ask me what was the Truth?" I shuddered at the thought of my own prayer to God. I looked at my friend as if taking a challenge and said, "I'll do it."
The study was a line by line reading and assessing of the book of John in the New Covenant. It cross referenced the Jewish Bible to show how the Old Covenant scriptures were fulfilled. It was a very organized study. Every time we studied a portion of scripture I found it completely relevant. I loved it! And I was beginning to love the life of Jesus and His love for all people.
About a month into it, we were reading a story about a Rabbi named Nicodemus who visited Jesus at night with some questions about faith. Jesus spoke right at him saying, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." Wait...we might not be 'in' with God? Jesus said he was telling him the Truth. Really? It hit hard that I had asked God what the Truth was back at church six months prior, and told Him I wasn't going to do any more religion until He showed me. Was this His way of showing me? Is this the way He does things? I believe it was. All my thoughts collided. My early days in church, the persistent friend who hounded me to read the bible, the Lisa Beamer interview, the study from 2001, the studies from 2002, the emptiness of life as I knew it, and my personal prayer to God.
My friend called a couple days later out of the blue and asked if she could come over. I said yes and made lunch. As soon as she sat down she asked me, "Do you want to receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior?" I just looked at her and knew that this was a confession of faith that needed to be said and needed to be heard. It wasn't about being in a religion. It was about Jesus. And up until then, I hadn't ever asked Him to be my LORD. I grew up knowing that He was the Savior, but never really considered that I needed a Savior! It did not occur to me that we weren't all 'in' God's Kingdom. There were a ton of good people in my life who didn't read the bible and know this stuff. I was a pretty good person! My grades were good as a kid. I hid things well from my parents so as not to cause them too much grief in my early years. I was only divorced once as a young adult. I hadn't cheated on my husband, yet. I was a decent mom. But I knew it wasn't about all the other good people who haven't read the bible or about how good I thought I was...it was about God speaking through His Word right now. And, I was beginning to recognize that he was a Holy God and anything good in me wasn't good enough to stand before Him. And yet, He still chose to reach out to me personally... and He was waiting for my response.
I also knew the earlier feelings of utter despair after 9/11 and the growing discontent of my beautiful life were one tragedy away from taking me under.
That October 22, 2002 at 11:45 a.m. I said yes to Jesus as my Messiah, my Lord, and my Savior. He had drawn me over the years so faithfully with cords of loving kindness. Go had used my prayer and the boldness of a complete stranger to guide me to Jesus who took on my sin and guilt. He revealed that He is personal and hears. He doesn't shrink back at questions or negotiating prayers. I recognized that I must humbly ask Him into my heart and take over as Lord, and that is all I needed to do. That He came to me as a gift of grace and was patient though I was preoccupied and distracted. And there was no work that I could ever do to be good enough to earn a place in Heaven or His Kingdom. That in me there was stuff hidden and not worth boasting about, and He was gently showing me where I went off His path for my life. I came to learn that He is wanting to guide me if I follow Him and believe His Word as written in the bible. That He isn't a baby in a manger anymore, or a dead man on the cross. That He is alive and in the hearts of those who believe in Him. And that He wants no one to leave this earth without accepting His perfect love.
There have been so many blessings and turns in my life since the start of this journey. Over time, my husband came to know the Lord, as well as my daughters. And now we want to walk in faith together with an eye toward Heaven. God has taken us through our ordinary lives of valleys and mountain top experiences revealing much to us through the daily reading of the Word. If you had told us 15 years ago that this is how we would be living, we all would have laughed. Our feet were firmly planted in the luxuries of the world and loving it. We were pursuing living large, but at the same time remaining empty. In a search for the facts, by God's grace we found our Faith.
His promise says, "Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD and he will have mercy on him and to our God, for he will freely pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD ."
I thank God daily for the provision of the shed blood of the Lamb in Jesus who came as the Perfect Sacrifice - blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord, and for the gift of the Holy Spirit who compels me to think anew.
References: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atd3M3tfBog, Matthew 20:1-16, John 3:3, Isaiah 55: 6-8, Romans 10:11 and www.bsfinternational.org
